Fiction: “Spontaneous Robbery”
Elizabeth McDonnell | On 11, Feb 2020
I’m currently slumped on my carpetless, hardwood floor. I sold my couch to pay for last month’s rent. My back hurts from sleeping on this cold surface every night. Not to mention I’m sick from yet another common cold.
With all my free time, I often sit and contemplate. How does someone like me get a bunch of money with no job? Maybe I can get a job! Let’s see, my qualifications are, well, none…
Who am I kidding? No one is going to hire me! I grab the crumpled up eviction notice from the floor and blow my nose with it. My nose is rubbed raw. I bet I look like Rudolph. I chuckle at the comparison. The only difference is, Santa won’t hire me to save Christmas. If only… I wouldn’t mind rooming with the reindeer. I hear a police siren scream as it zooms down the street.
What can I do? My utilities are past due. I have no electricity or heat, which is probably why I’m always sick. I even had to sell my GTA a few months back, along with my TV! I miss that game so much, it kept me company after Grace left me…
I reminisce on all of the heists I went on as my favorite character, Trevor. He really is crazy! He would go on a heist all by himself just to get a bigger cut! He always gets what he wants.
‘A heist!’ I exclaim into my empty living room. I can rob a bank! It can’t be that hard, I’ve done it hundreds of times in the game. I’m basically a certified pro. I get up and change out of my old Toy Story t-shirt and put on a black hoodie. This way, the cameras won’t see my face.
I grab my keys and rush out of my apartment. I have to be fast or else the landlord will lock me out again. I hurry down the 11 flights of stairs (the elevator has been broken since I moved in) and out of the building. The closest bank is about six blocks away, I think. I walk with my head down. Anyone can be a witness…
I arrive at the bank and am about to barge in, guns blazing when I realize…
I have no weapon. Or a bag for the money. I don’t have an inventory that is magically always full like in GTA. Oops.
I look around and see a plastic bag drifting along the sidewalk, pushed by the wind. Perfect! I pick it up and shake it out. Okay, now all I need is a weapon. I glance around the streets to see if I can find anything remotely threatening. To my dismay, there’s nothing. How can I do a bank robbery with no weapon! They’ll just laugh at me and call the cops. I look down in defeat and an idea pops into my head.
I need them to think I have a weapon, I don’t really need one.
I put my hand pocket and make a gun gesture. Looks legit. I got into the bank, ready to act on my plan. I walk up to the desk where the clerks are. There are two clerks and one civilian. Lucky for me, this would be much harder if there were more people here.
‘How can I help you?’ One of them asks me. I keep my head down, making sure not to be seen.
‘Ma’am?’ she tries again. I pull on the strings of my hoodie to cover a majority of my face. Only one eye and the tip of my nose can be seen. I lift my “gun” in my pocket and point it at her.
‘Put your hands up, now! All of you!’ I screech. I wave my “gun” side to side, threatening them all. They shoot their hands up, listening.
‘Now, let’s make this easy on you. Put all the money you have into the bag and you get to live. If not, I’ll get the money myself at any cost,” I continue. I toss the bag over the counter to the clerk who was talking to me. She quickly opens the cash register and empties the money into it. I notice the clerk next to her lower his hands slowly.
‘Hey! Hands where I can see them!’ I yell. He darts them back up. The civilian is on the floor next to me, crying.
‘Empty that one too,’ I say while gesturing to the register next to her. She piles the cash until the bag is full. She timidly hands it to me.
I grab the bag and walk away quickly, facing them. I run out of the building and down an alley next to the bank. My hoodie still stretched over most of my face, I struggle to look into the plastic bag. When I finally get a peek, I see all the cash.
‘Score!’ I exclaim. I do a little happy dance, completely in my own world. Sirens start to ring from nearby, snapping me out of my ecstatic daze. Oh crap, the cops…
I look around, looking for a way to escape. The sirens get closer and closer. What do I do?!
The time for thinking comes to a close when I see a bunch of cop cars pull up in front of the bank. Quickly, I tie the bag shut to the best of my ability. I shove it under my shirt, sporting what seems to be a pregnant belly. It’s a long shot, but it’s all I got. I pull the hoodie down, exposing my face.
I do my best to mimic a pregnant walk and I exit the alley, rubbing my belly. Many of the cops are already inside, while others are talking to pedestrians. I speed my preggo strut when a policeman makes eye contact with me. My blood runs cold. This is it, my life is over, I’m going to jail, I–
He smiles at me sweetly and nods to my way in a friendly manner. I do my best to muster up a friendly, tight-lipped smile in return and continue on my way.