Anonymous | On 26, Sep 2019

Hey. I know you’re trying your best, and I’m proud of you so far. Ever since he left you found that happiness does not come from him or anyone else. It comes from you and only you. I know sometimes you have a relapse and wish he was still in your life like he once was, but that’s okay. You’re so used to building him up – so used to making sure his happiness came first that you often forgot about yourself. You took the weight off his shoulders and added it onto yours because you thought it was love.

I know you used to stay up late, begging and crying for one more moment with him. You wanted one more moment where he would just smile at you and you would think that everything in the world was okay. But that’s the keyword. You thought everything was okay. Just like you thought he was changing, that he was good for you, that you were helping him become a better person. But you should know by now that people can’t change if they find no fault in their actions.

You distracted yourself with his problems to avoid facing your owns. You loved him with no strings attached and expected him to do the same. You were waiting for answers when his silence was one. You forgot your worth. You forgot that you deserve to love and be loved in return. And you above all, you forgot that people you want in your life isn’t always the people you need.

You never liked talking about yourself or your feelings because you didn’t like to seem weak or dramatic and you still feel this way. You never want to bother those who are there for you. You always bottled up all these emotions that you can’t even seem to remember when everything fell apart. You want to be strong for everyone else around you because you love them. And you know they want to do the same for them, but you won’t allow them to. 

However, I am here to remind you that it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be strong all the time, you have people who care and would drop everything if they found out you are hurting. Sometimes you feel like crying for no reason, sometimes you can’t catch your breath, and sometimes you even feel like leaving. I know you can’t find the source of the pain right now, but that’s okay too. You are allowed to feel this way. You are allowed to break down.

You’re a mess. Practically a trainwreck – but it’s okay. You don’t have to have everything figured out now. You’re allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. You haven’t let yourself catch your breath in a while but yet you continue to offer your oxygen to others first. You put on this facade to deny that anything is wrong. You don’t want anything to be wrong with you because you want to be something right in someone’s life.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes. It’s not selfish or rude – you’re taking care of yourself. You need to take care of yourself. You’re always so hard on yourself that I could never understand why at the end of the day. You heard a line in a song that went: “How could someone so loving, learn to hate her own guts?” and that has stuck with you since you were younger. You never understood why but now I do. It was because you have never heard something so accurately describe how you felt – how you could love someone so easily with all their flaws but if you made one mistake, you could never forgive yourself. 

So, I want you to learn how to love yourself first. Scratch that, I want you to promise to love yourself first. You can’t expect others to love you if you cannot do the same. You are a trainwreck but there are people out there who accept you for who you are, mistakes and all. I want you to remember that no one can make you feel unimportant unless you give them the power to. 

You are loved and you are not alone. You got this. Just take a deep breath and start from step one.

Sincerely Yours,

Me (You)